Struggling With My Identity

I know who I am… kind of. I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a daughter, and a sister. I am all of these things to my kids, my husband, my mom, and my brothers and sister. But who am I really, outside of all of the things I am to those I call dear.

As I sit here I have a few tears rolling down my cheeks- call it sleep deprivation, call it anxiety, or maybe even a touch of postpartum depression- I don’t know who I really am anymore.

I know what I do everyday: I wake up and make breakfast, I workout while my kids crawl all over me, I do a load of laundry or some dishes, then I make lunch, entertain myself and the kids, then dinner, baths, more dishes…. on and on the list goes. These days with my kids have so many rewards hidden in them, a new milestone or the cutest smile that crosses Dalton or Ellie’s face, but I have lost myself in the cycle of motherhood. Is it a bad thing? No, it isn’t. I am a mom and I put on that title the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test. It’s just a little hard sometimes, to be completely selfless and, ultimately, to not have a break.

For example, if my toddler catches me eating anything, he has to have a bite. If I take a shower my son bursts into the room and tries to climb in. If I’m in the middle of a workout or if I’m going potty, the kids are RIGHT there. I know that I should enjoy these days “because it flies by so quickly.” Yes, Carol, I know it FLIES BY, trust me, I’ve been a mom for a little over two years, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard!

The whole reason I have lost myself is that I don’t know what I want to do that is just for myself. I have a youtube channel- The Shelton Fam, and I LOVE it. But I second guess myself because I lack patience to see it grow (and this is my little secret: I don’t think I’m a good vlogger at all). This girl can write but I suck at speaking properly into a camera. I can’t re-enroll into college because I have TWO kids now, and is my degree still what I want to pursue? Don’t get me started on when I actually go back to work- many years in the future when the kids are in school, what the heck will I do?

I hope this is all making sense, ladies: stay at home momma-ing for two years has taken who I am, thrown me into the fire, and now the map that I held in my hand (pre momma-ing) has been completely singed to ash and fallen at my feet. BUT it’s okay to not be okay, and clearly I’m not okay. We all have hard days, it’s a hard life, and without trials we would never grow. So in all of this- crappy sleep, screaming toddler, screaming baby, toys EVERYWHERE, and not enough coffee or alone time- I am growing, learning, and overcoming.

So if you are reading this, you will get through it and you WILL find yourself. Do one thing for you today. Do that workout, cook that recipe, sing that song that fills you up with joy. Don’t be discouraged, lift your chin up and keep pushing on.

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I Did Three Scary Things Today

I did three scary things today and I made it out alive.

  1. Today I went to the doctor for a routine OB checkup. I hate getting my blood pressure taken – it gives me a mini anxiety attack and my heart races. But today my fears weren’t as strong because I have been going to the doctor so often, facing those fears. And today, after taking it two times, my blood pressure was normal! I did have a derealization episode while I was talking to the doctor, my vision went 2D and my heart started to race but I breathed through it and I felt better within minutes.
  2. I had to get a shot. I really don’t like taking medications that make me feel sleepy or groggy or change my vision. This is because of my anxiety attacks and it gives me a sense of being out of control. I was scared to get this shot basically because of my fear of any medication other than Tylenol. But it was quick and easy.
  3. Lastly, I went to the store. The store really brings my derealization alive but I continue to do it because, well, FOOD.

I didn’t do any of this alone. I’m not ready for that yet. I’m also super pregnant and exhausted so I’m not going to try to face these fears by myself until I am getting good sleep which I am hoping will help with my derealization episodes (won’t be for months with baby girl).

I wrote this as a means to encourage you if you have fears like I do, or are scared of anything in general. If you don’t face these fears they grow and grow until they are insurmountable.

If you have anxiety, face those fears head on. Don’t let them trap you and keep you from living. You can do it – face one of your fears today but make sure you have someone to support you through it. One day we will be able to do these things alone but for now, just take the next step.