As I’m writing this I’m having a Braxton Hicks contraction and I’m almost positive that Ellie has dropped because my back is cramping like crazy. Lately I can only stand to eat carbs (lots of rice) and I’ve been craving sugar like crazy; vegetables are not my friend and I feel really guilty about what I’m eating. But I know pregnancy is to blame, as soon as I have Ellie I will be back to craving vegetables and getting all the nutrients I need. I’m going to have a difficult time closing my separated ab muscles which didn’t completely close before I got pregnant again. My belly, this time around, is so much smaller so hopefully there hasn’t been too much damage done. My heartburn has reached an all time high, which happened a few days before I delivered Dalton, so fingers crossed that it means she’s coming soon.
I was told by my doctor that I am 2cm dilated and 75% effaced. I’ve been facing my fears and leaving the house almost everyday with Dalton so I’m hoping that all the trips to MOPS meetings, church, the store, and to take Taylor more food at work, not to mention the trip up and down the stairs where I’m carrying my hydroflask, diaper bag, and all the gear I need, has dilated me further. I wish I could tell you I have been working out, or at the very least, riding my bike for 15 minutes a day, but I’m not. I do plenty of housework regularly, not something I kept up with this whole pregnancy because I had less energy, but I feel like it’s keeping me in shape. I didn’t work out much with Dalton because I wasn’t motivated to at all. After labor, I waited 6 weeks and then I was back to working out 4-5 days a week.
Pregnancy really changes me, so many hormones and symptoms. I get lazy, I can’t find it in me to clean or workout, and I just have no motivation. I’m blessed to have a job that accommodates my lazy needs – I can lay on the couch while Dalton plays, which is mostly what I did when I was suffering from crazy morning sickness in the beginning.
Needless to say, I am ready to not be pregnant again. At this stage, it is so uncomfortable. Back pain, trips to the bathroom, a basketball sized belly that makes every move more difficult… I am soaking it up though in case we decide that this is the last biological child we are having. The mental game with this pregnancy has been rough, and as much as I say that I’m ready to go into labor, I’m really not. I’m still very much terrified, but I have done my best to keep myself busy so it’s all in the back of my mind. Sometimes I will start to think about all the “what ifs” but I try to stop immediately. The truth is is that I will probably panic, but I can’t be alone in that.
On another note, Dalton has decided it’s time to ramp up the ole attitude, just in time for us to welcome a newborn baby into the world! The timing could not be more inconvenient, but I know I will miss this age and stage so I have to be patient and see the good in the struggle. He has started to do this thing where he screams while he’s crying, not the whole time but just a few frustrated screams here and there. He loves to throw his food on the floor or just take the whole bowl and drop it. He’s also trying to get into EVERYTHING… the fridge, the cabinets, playing with the buttons on the dryer, and when we are out and about he wants to grab everything. But I know it’s curiosity and his way of learning, he has probably broken a lot of candy bars at the check out line though.
There are so many things that bring me joy about this age, like listening to him talk or teaching him a new word. He basically repeats whatever word you say as long as it’s simple enough. He can use a spoon to eat even the most complex foods (rice). He is learning to clean up and put things back if he got them out, which doesn’t work for cleaning up every toy but he has the concept down, as long as I’m sitting beside him saying “clean up” like 500 times. He makes the most precious face when he is intrigued by something such as a plane or helicopter, or when he sees birds fly, his mouth forms into the shape of an “O” and his face elongates. Tonight when I put him into bed he grabbed his blanket and turned onto his tummy with the blanket covering his face, surrounded by all his lovies. My most favorite thing is the kisses, he just randomly decides it’s time for a kiss and he purses his lips and sticks his neck out.
I really am in love with motherhood. Some moments are very hard, but it’s times like these where the house is quiet, there are toys and remnants of our day that I haven’t put away yet, and all I can think about is my son, the day we had and how I miss him even though I just put him down for bed.