Today was amazing. It’s Sunday and my husband was able to come to church with Dalton and I. Usually he has to work so it was a huge blessing to us.
We ate with our brothers and sisters at potluck, came home and relaxed, and then ran some errands. By the time we got home we were all ready for dinner but I didn’t have anything cooked so we ate an hour later than usual.
The whole time I was prepping the zucchini, potatoes, and chicken I was having a hard time focusing because I was so exhausted. I know it has everything to do with pregnancy, poor sleep quality, and anxiety. By the time I finished dinner I was just done. Thank goodness my husband is home so I really could be done…
As soon as I got to the bathroom to take a shower the tears just started, then I turned on my favorite song In Control (Acoustic) by Hillsong Worship. Then I started sobbing.
“Held within your love, the wind and waves will come but I will stay here. I lift my hands to heaven, here my heart surrendered, I tell my soul again you are Lord of all. Though the seas are raging, You will speak and tame them. In You I find my rest, You are in control.”
If you are feeling what I am feeling right now, like your thoughts are out of control and your heart is crying out for peace, these lyrics are for you.
Anxiety is a battle of losing control for the sake of trying to find it. We find fear when we try to find a means to keep all of the pieces together. There is no rest in it, there is no peace. There is only endless thoughts that spiral out of control until you feel like you are going to die. Your thoughts become your enemy. Your body becomes your prison.
My husband heard me sobbing while I was in the shower. He asked me what was wrong and I just kept crying. I finally found my words, “I’m tired. I’m tired of walking around feeling unconnected to what is happening and I’m tired of being scared of everything. I just want to be normal.” He put his arm around me and let me rest my head on his shoulder. The water was soaking his shirt (he was leaning into the tub). I wanted to share this to show you what it is like to be loved through this. To be told that it’s okay and that I’m not alone in it. To be given a hug when you really need one by someone who doesn’t care about getting soaked by bath water. This is who my husband is and I could not be more thankful.
It’s hard to trust, it’s hard to give up something that is a part of you, and it’s nearly impossible to stop the swirling thoughts of doom.
I find that the more I turn to God, the more quickly I can find a sliver of peace. The more I listen to songs that speak to my fear, telling it that there is something greater and stronger than it, the better I feel. I also think it is important to find someone who listens to your struggles and validates them but also reassures you that it will all be okay.
The truth is is that we have no control. But God is in control and He is going to take care of you.
‘But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’ Matthew 6:33-34