If you will, please stick with me through all of these anxiety related posts. I know it seems like I am stuck on repeat but this is the most prevalent topic that I am experiencing in this season of life.
So let us dig a little deeper into this topic. Labor. Delivering a human either through natural means or by being cut open. Both of these are so scary whether you are a first time mom or if you are on your second or third and so on. I know there are some women out there who aren’t afraid at all and let me just say, that is AMAZING. I wish that I wasn’t afraid, but I am. I am afraid of the pain of contractions that took my breath away and I’m afraid of the horror stories and the possibility that I could die. I mean really you can die from anything and everything, eating, walking, driving… yes this is where my brain is going. So my point is that I am absolutely terrified of the means by which my beloved Ellie and I will meet.
There are some positives that I try to remind myself when the doubt creeps into my mind: I have done this before, I was made to do this, my husband will be by my side, and there are things called epidurals (a huge needle in your back that I am scared of but have gotten before). I even remind myself that I am pregnant because God has chosen me to give life again and EVERYTHING happens in His perfect timing. He also wouldn’t give me more than I could handle… right?
So, yes, there are many positives, but when I lay my head down to sleep at night my mind begins to wander and my heart begins to race. My fears won’t let me fall asleep in peace. Will I have a panic attack when my water breaks or when my first contraction starts, will I panic on the way to the hospital, how high will my blood pressure be, will I get the epidural in time, will I be able to sleep while I am in panic mode, will my labor last hours and hours, will I be super hungry, will I suffer an episode of panic, depersonalization, or will my reality not seem real, will my blood pressure remain high the whole time because of my anxiety, will they give me medicine that will make me panic to stop me from panicking, and worse of all, will Ellie and I be okay when all of this is said and done?
So now that you know my fears you may want to know what I am doing about them. I have read Live Fearless by Sadie Robertson and she has given some great advice: pray over your fears, memorize scripture to help in times of need, and ultimately trust in God’s plan for your life and give it to Him. I mean Jesus felt it ALL on that cross, He can relate to each and every one of those struggles. I am also reading God’s word daily and listening to worship music, some of my favorites I will share on a blog post in the next few days.
When I have an anxious thought or when I think about labor (which is all day long), I pray, I speak Philippians 4:6-7 or other verses over that fear, I praise God for the good in my suffering, and I try to think rationally. Yes all of my fears could happen, but they probably won’t. And if they do, then it was meant to happen. I also remind myself that I can get through anything especially because labor doesn’t last forever and my suffering will bring a child into this world! I also remind myself that panic attacks can’t last forever either and that I am in the care of doctors and nurses who know what they are doing. I will also have my husband who has made sure that I face my fears with plenty of support.
No matter what I will face on the day that my daughter is ready to enter this world, I must trust in God’s plan for every detail of her labor. If the enemy attacks, I will use my spiritual toolkit to persevere. I know at the end of this I will be able to look back on these past few weeks and know that all of the mental suffering I went through was ridiculous but that it was well worth it. Everything I experience will be well worth it.
My whole point of this post is that I want to feel like I did in the weeks leading up to Dalton’s birth. I was scared but I wasn’t consumed with fear like I am right now. Even now I feel the anxiety chest squeeze (sits right on my heart). I just want my most predominant emotion to be joy and the anxiety is overshadowing that joy. I am determined to find that joy and I know I will when Ellie is finally in my arms.
If you are afraid of labor, if you were afraid of labor, or if you have any experience that can relate to mine, please leave a comment!