The first time it happened I was in 5th grade. My friend and I were in after school care waiting for her parents to pick us up to go to a basketball camp. We were in one of those portable outside buildings and I was just sitting in a desk when it hit me. I felt dizzy but my world wasn’t spinning, my vision changed and suddenly everything I was seeing didn’t seem real. I was so confused, in one second my world was normal and then it turned scary and two dimensional.
It had been years since I last had an episode of depersonalization/derealization but that all changed when I experienced one in the grocery store a few days before our most recent trip to Texas. Since this episode the derealization haze hasn’t left me and it gets worse when I am in the car or in a place that can cause my senses to be overloaded.
If anyone has experienced this, just know that you aren’t alone and you aren’t crazy…
Today I was washing potatoes in the sink and I was looking at my hands. I guess I looked for too long but suddenly my hands didn’t feel like they were mine. Yes, I command their every move with a complicated brain/nerve connection that always fascinates me, but was I really standing over the sink holding this potato?
If you haven’t experienced this or if you aren’t familiar with anxiety/mental health issues it can sound very crazy. My reality right now, at 33 weeks pregnant, is that I feel as though I am operating in a dream state. What my eyes see my brain questions. The world outside my apartment and sometimes within my apartment can be a little scary. I mean my reality doesn’t seem real.
I don’t know if it’s exhaustion, hormones, anxiety, self-doubt, my glasses, or a combination of it all, but I am trying to come to terms with it. The more I fight my anxiety and my panic attacks, the worse it gets so I figure it can apply to this condition too.
All I know is that I am giving birth to a human in a few weeks and I am terrified that the realities (maybe even trauma) of labor will throw me into an awful attack. I am also afraid that when I see my baby girl’s face for the first time that it won’t connect and that my mind and anxiety will rob me of this precious moment. But I am trying not to live in fear and to just keep pushing through all of the anxiety and weird symptoms that come along with it. Honestly, I am mentally and physically exhausted and I hate saying this because I have a wonderful life, a wonderful family, and I am blessed to have the life that I do. I am even thankful that my struggle is what it is because it could be a lot worse and because I am learning a lot, most importantly I am turning to God to seek peace and healing. But it does wear me down and it weighs heavy on my heart.
If you have felt like this, leave a comment and we can talk more about it! There is strength in numbers and in knowing that someone shares your struggle.