The Thoughts That I Can’t Keep Quiet

Anxiety. Panic Attacks. Fear.

These are the words that describe my thoughts lately. It is an endless cycle that I find myself unable to break free from. There is only one time in my life that can compare to the intensity of my current state of anxiety… 5th grade. This is when it all started. I think most of it can be contributed to hormones, especially because this was the start to puberty. Today I am 28 weeks pregnant with a little girl, maybe it’s more estrogen. Maybe it’s just hormones and the fear I built up in the postpartum with my son.

Whatever the cause, I have a few main fears that I have to face. First is my flight home tomorrow, 10 hours in the air in a tube that crosses the ocean and drops me back onto an isolated island in the middle of the Pacific. Last night I reached a breaking point and experienced a panic attack for about 15 minutes. It started with the fearful thoughts that led to uncontrollable shaking, my heart was racing at the same rate as my mind. My husband held me close while it ran its course. All the while, I felt my sweet baby girl kicking and stretching in my belly. I thought to myself, if I can just focus on her enough I can make this stop. But that didn’t work and the fear became so intense that I felt like I was dying. My husband whispered to me that I wasn’t dying and that I was okay, but nothing could convince me otherwise until the fear started to subside. I can’t help but feel guilty, knowing that the sweet life growing inside me probably felt everything. Did she suffer along with me?

Next in line is the doctor visits and after that is birth. I am so excited to meet my baby girl but I am fearful of the unknown. Both of these fears will seem real in the days prior but the main thing I am stuck with is the flight.

I’m writing this to say that although I have these fears, I must face them. Taylor has made sure that I do. When I am scared of leaving the house, he reminds me to be courageous.

{TWO DAYS AFTER THE FLIGHT}

I still want to post this even though I made it through the 12 hours of traveling without any extreme anxiety.

The morning of the flight, I did wake up and have a panic attack and I threw up (yay pregnancy), but I think I got it out of my system and was able to get through it much easier than expected.

I don’t know what it is about built up fear, but it takes my reality and my perseverance and tells me that I won’t make it through without feeling like my world is going to end. I just want to encourage those of you that go through similar fears and struggles, keep pushing on and keep facing your fears. On the other side of fear you find courage and the willpower to face those things that seemed impossible to get through.

Also, my husband is my rock and I don’t know what I would do without his support. I did it, I will continue to overcome and so can you!

 

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